OH SNAAAP
by Deathdrain
Summary: When a mysterious envelope arrives at the office of Miles Edgeworth, the prosecutor finds himself both doubting his secret relationship and scarred for life. P/E


_This was a drabble I put together for the Phoenix Wright Kink Meme a while ago.  
__The prompt was the Phoenix Wright characters playing Phoenix Drive. I couldn't resist. :P  
__This is unbeta'd, but I did go back over it once. Fixed some small things._

_  
__Some knowledge of the Phoenix Drive game is required for this to make sense.  
__And I somehow managed to make this P/E, so there's a slash warning in here too._

--

"Mr. Edgeworth?"

"Mr. Edgeworth…. Mr. Edgeworth! Mr. E--"

Miles Edgeworth looked up from his case files to find his secretary standing before his desk. How long had she been there? Quite a while, the prosecutor could guess, judging by the way she was fidgeting.

"What is it Hannah? You must realize that I'm quite busy at the moment."

"W-Well, yes sir," she stammered, "I know, but this was left for you up front and I was told that it was extremely urgent, something that you had to see and—"

"All right, Hannah," he interrupted. "I'll take it, but make sure that anything else waits until tomorrow. I really must prepare for this trial."

"Yes sir, of course," she replied, already backing away. Having already left a manila envelope on the desk, she fled his office.

Edgeworth took the envelope and checked both sides for a name. It was completely unmarked. His forehead creased slightly in a frown as he unsealed it.

_What could be so urgent at a time like this?_

He shook the envelope out and a CD clattered on to his desk. It was blank, except for a hurriedly scrawled "PD" on one side.

_PD?_, he wondered. _What is this? Information on the case? A virus?_

It was then that he noticed the scrap of paper that had fallen out with it. The message had been constructed with cutouts of letters from magazines and newspapers. This was obviously not good. It took him almost a full minute to decipher it, and when he did, he almost wished he hadn't.

_tO m1LeS EdGeW0rtH: j00 bEtR r3cOns1deR j00r r3LaTI0nShIP w/ t3H dF3nS atToRn3Y_

This was blackmail.

No one was supposed to know about his relationship with Phoenix. Maybe Maya knew, and Hannah probably had her suspicions, but neither of them would send a message like this. This could ruin him.

Heart pounding, Edgeworth practically threw the CD into the drive in his laptop and loaded up whatever was on it.

--

An hour later, he sat staring at the screen in shock, uncharacteristic expletives running through his mind.

_WHAT. THE. FUCK._

Unfortunately, this was how Phoenix found him a few minutes later when he walked into the prosecutor's office, his usual grin plastered across his face. He failed to notice Edgeworth's odd behavior as he unceremoniously threw his coat onto the man's couch.

"Hey Edgeworth! I kind of let myself in, so please don't be mad at Hannah. She tried her best to keep me out but-" He stopped dead when he noticed the look on his lover's face. "Hey, is everything okay?"

The prosecutor's eyes snapped up to Phoenix, turning instantly from dazed to livid.

"Never better," he replied tightly.

Phoenix could definitely tell that there was something wrong, and he couldn't help but get the feeling that it was his fault.

"A-Are you sure? I mean, sorry. I forgot I'm not allowed to just throw stuff around your office," he said tentatively, already moving to put his coat away properly. "I just-"

"It's not that," Edgeworth snapped. It was obvious that he was only barely in control. "I'd like for you to explain something for me, if you don't mind, Phoenix."

He carefully turned his laptop around so that it faced Phoenix, who walked up to it warily.

Edgeworth took a deep breath, and was suddenly all his usual composure, gazing at the confused attorney over steepled fingers. "Go on," he said, gesturing towards the computer.

This sudden calm bothered Phoenix more than anything, and the challenging look in Edgeworth's eyes was definitely not helping.

Chancing one last wary glance at the prosecutor, Phoenix turned to the screen.

_What is this_, he thought. _This is my…_

"My… office?" He looked up at Edgeworth, confused, but the other man only nodded, gazing expectantly.

Phoenix turned back to the image and flicked through a couple screens of horrible grammar before…

"Is that _Maya_??" he exclaimed.

"Yes," Edgeworth responded. "Notice anything… different about her, Wright? Anything strange?"

"Um…"

Phoenix stared at the image for a moment.

"Well… Yes, actually. It… She- Maya goes to school?" he asked, purposely avoiding the obvious answer.

"You know very well that's not what I meant, Wright."

Phoenix grinned sheepishly and kept going. He skipped several scenes because, frankly, he could not understand them. He had to stop however, when he reached the courtroom.

"Who's that? Is that supposed to be me?"

Edgeworth smirked. "I would assume so, Wright."

"But am I really so… red?"

"Just continue, Wright."

He did so, but had to stop due to a sudden fit of laughter.

"Edgeworth!" he cried, unable to control his laughing fit. "Where did you get this? What is this?? I mean, '_Oh snap!!_'? When have I ever said 'oh snap' in a courtroom?"

Edgeworth did not seem amused. "Believe me, Wright, what you say in a courtroom should be the least of your worries at the moment."

Struggling not to choke, Phoenix clicked forward on the screen. The next few scenes passed by wordlessly, but even Phoenix began to get slightly uncomfortable with the appearance of 'Mia von Karma'.

The next scene was totally unexpected.

Phoenix nearly retched when his vision was suddenly assaulted with giant _breasts_.

"Edgeworth!! What the hell is this!" he demanded, shocked.

"I don't know, Wright. Why don't you tell me?", the prosecutor replied snidely. "But really, you should keep going. I'm sure it gets better."

Afraid of what was to come, Phoenix continued. And he kept going all the way through to the very end. After a point, he had been too shocked to say anything and had lapsed into complete silence, his facial expressions ranging from shock to disgust to outright horror. Edgeworth just watched him with gritted teeth.

After a few moments, Phoenix attempted to speak.

"Wh-Where did you-? I mean, what the hell is this??"

"I was hoping you could enlighten me on that fact, Wright."

"Edgeworth, I have no idea what this is, I swear!"

Edgeworth's mood changed as abruptly as it had before. Suddenly furious, he shot out of his chair and moved to the other side of the desk, grabbing Phoenix by the collar and pinning him between himself and the desk.

"I'm quite sure," he spat. "Is this what you want, Wright? Is this what you expect from me?!"

Phoenix grasped the other man's hands and shook his head furiously.

"Of course not! I really don't-"

"Don't give me your excuses!" Edgeworth exclaimed. "There's a reason this thing exists! Do you want me to scream for you to impregnate me? To beg for your _cock milk_? To _beat your rod until a tank explodes_, whatever the hell that's supposed to mean?!"

"Edgeworth, that's disgusting!" Phoenix cried indignantly. "None of this is true, and you know it! Maya is _not_ a prostitute, I did _not_ have sex with Mia, and when, during any of the times we made love, have I ever said 'huff-n-puff-n'??"

"Well, I'm sorry that I have never been able to make you elicit such sounds."

"_Miles_! Seriously!" Phoenix argued. "I mean… _Pearls_? That's just sick! And when has Oldbag ever tried to have sex with you in a Pink Princess costume?"

Edgeworth flushed immediately, his grip on Phoenix's collar loosening.

"Don't tell me," Phoenix said slowly. "You're… you're not serious?"

"It only happened once!" Edgeworth snapped. "I was at Global Studios… for a Steel Samurai event. Sal Manella himself was giving a presentation and-"

Edgeworth stopped dead, his eyes widening to a frightening degree. Releasing Phoenix, he practically lunged for the note on his desk.

_tO m1LeS EdGeW0rtH…_

There was no way that it could be possible.

Phoenix snatched the note and scanned it rapidly. "Wait, somebody knows…?"

The words died on his lips as realization hit him.

Phoenix could distinctly remember the strange man practically drooling over Maya. He wouldn't put it past him to pull something like this.

"Sal Manella!" he cried, turning to Edgeworth. "At the studio, did he say anything to you?"

Edgeworth looked flustered, recalling the gleam in the director's eye as he was given an appraising look. "I- It was- He wanted me to… He said something about his _special_ videos. Something about AV-"

Both men stopped dead, their jaws practically hitting the floor.

Edgeworth was the first to recover.

"This… This never happened," He stated tersely. He ejected the disk and snapped it neatly in half, tossing the pieces, along with the note, in the trashcan.

"Agreed," said Phoenix, feeling extremely uncomfortable.

The strained silence was broken by Phoenix.

"Um… So how about that lunch date we had planned for today…?" Something in him hoped that Edgeworth would cancel. It would just be too awkward after this whole fiasco. He somehow felt that Miles still blamed him for the horrifying images they had been subjected to. He couldn't really blame him. The man was probably scarred for life.

Edgeworth sighed. "I've lost too much time today because of this…. thing. We'll have to reschedule."  
Phoenix managed to look somewhat dejected. "I guess so," he said, trying not to let his relief show. "I suppose I'll see you later then?"

He turned to go, but he was followed by Edgeworth, who suddenly forced him to change direction. As they neared the couch, Edgeworth smirked. Phoenix would have noticed that vindictive gleam in his eye from a mile away.

"I suppose I could spare a few minutes," Edgeworth said, his voice deepening. Phoenix was not convinced of his intentions.

Phoenix gulped as his back hit the cushions, though he wasn't sure now if it was from fear or anticipation. Edgeworth was already straddling him, his hands working to loosen the pink tie.

The prosecutor leaned forward to brush his lips against Phoenix's ear, driving all thoughts of the disturbing game from his mind. Phoenix, finally allowing himself to relax, raised a hand to cup his lover's neck, but the smile immediately fell from his lips when Miles opened his mouth to speak.

"Now how about we see what we can do about that _Penix Wright_ of yours?"


End file.
